Isn’t There a Pill For That?

You know that feeling of satisfaction you get when you’ve solved one of life’s little mysteries? Like where black holes come from? Or why, when you drop your toast, it always falls on the buttered side? Well, I was listening to the radio this morning when I finally learned the secret behind the two bath tubs in the Cialis commercial! Two pharmacists wrote in to the show and explained it this way: a dose of Cialis lasts 36 hours, much longer than a dose of either of its rivals, Viagra or Levitra. So showing a couple relaxing in two bath tubs instead of one says, “No worries! We’ve got a couple of days to do the deed – and besides, she likes to soak in that stuff that smells like bubble gum.” And then there’s the company that makes Cialis – Eli Lilly – they’re a family company, you know. They don’t want anything of questionable taste in their commercials. Never mind that we’re talking about an erectile dysfunction drug….but oh, my – what a relief to finally know the truth!

But tell me, is there a pill I can take for annoying drug ads? You know, the ones that cause anxiety, depression – projectile vomiting? Like those Paxil commercials. GlaxoSmithKline sympathizes with us about those darn family picnics – so anxiety provoking. Usually I’d tell you to go and score a few more of those vodka Jell-O cubes from your cousin’s cooler, but heck, no! If the thought of the family reunion that’s coming up brings on another attack of “social anxiety disorder,” relax! There’s a pill for that!

Speaking of family reunions – there’s one commercial I can count on to send my significant other screaming from the room: the Mucinex Mucus family ads! I mean, really, where else but in America would you find a cold and cough medication called Mucinex? I mean, even the name is gaggy. And boy, when those greenish-yellow Mucus clan members gather for a reunion – there goes the neighborhood. But if you’re a fan of the little globules, check out the official Mucinex site where you can “Meet Mr. Mucus!” http://www.mucinex.com/html/  On the other hand, don’t let those pudgy droplets of goo charm you. Two of the articles on this morning’s Google search warn, “Mucinex makes me smell weird down there,” and “Mucinex makes man kill gay roommate.” ‘Nuff said!

Last week I confessed to you that I sometimes suffer from America’s newest disease – Restless Leg Syndrome, or RLS as it’s known in TV drug land. When it strikes I perform the arduous task of STRETCHING my legs to relieve the creepy-crawly sensation. Until I saw a Requip commercial. I just had to ask myself, “Self? Why do you insist on getting out of a nice, warm bed in the middle of the night to stretch your legs?” Such a bother! Relax! There’s a pill for that! Now, before I rush down to Walgreen’s at 3:00am, there’s just one little problem. Besides the usual side effects – drowsiness, nausea, dizziness, hallucinations, “Help me! The Mucus Family is drinking all the beer in my refrigerator!” – I might also suffer an “unusual urge to gamble or increased sexual urges and/or behaviors.” Man – I’ve got to tell the judge that the next time I get brought in for passing bad checks at the casino in nothing but my black boots and pasties!

Folks, America is a sick, sick country. Why else would we have all these new drugs and disorders? I’m thinking it’s just a matter of time before our friends at the drug companies come up with medications for all of life’s bothersome trials and tribulations. Like MUSICOSIS. Musicosis is my term for when those jingles from all the other commercials get stuck in my head: “Hot dogs! Armour hot dogs! What kind of kids eat Armour hot dogs?” One day I will no longer have to toss and turn, unable to sleep, while “Fat kids! Skinny kids! Kids who climb on rocks!” circles round and round my sleep-deprived brain. Relax! There’s a pill for that!

Or how about when you can’t remember where you put your keys? Oh, sure, you could call the beeper on your keychain from your cell phone – except you can’t find your cell phone, either! OK, no need to panic. You can locate the missing cell phone with the GPS app thingy on your iPad! Yay! You’ll just go out and get your iPad out of the car……..that is, as soon as you find your keys. Oh, the hell with it. Relax! There’s surely going to be a pill for that!

And I am fully confident that the drug makers will invent something for me to take when I just can’t seem to get to my happy place. You know, like when the neighbor’s cat comes and leaves little gifts in the new flower bed. Or when we finish giving our great, big bulldog a bath, finally remove the last of her hair and slobber off the bathroom walls and she goes out in the back yard and rolls in the dirt. Again. No doubt I’ll find out that misplacing one’s happy place is actually a symptom of a combination mood/thought disorder, or one of those schizoaffective, psychotic things that would cause me to drive myself, the dog, my spouse and the neighbor’s cat off a bridge, but nooooooo problem. Relax! You just know that one day soon there will be a pill for that!

Yes, dear readers, big pharma has us all safely in hand. One last thought – should you find yourself feeling anxious, depressed or offended by my little rant, it’s probably a sign that you have developed a severe case of Blogitis. But there’s no need to unsubscribe. Relax! A new drug is definitely on its way. (Results may vary. Use only as directed!)